Depressio.

Well, this post only exists because I really feel like writing, not because I have something I think would make interesting reading, so if you came here for the sole purpose to be entertained, please don't read the rest of this. Honestly. I know it sounds completely stupid and pointless, but I wrote this for me, not to entertain. There. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So anyway, I need to write something to get it out of my system, but I don't think what I want to write about would be appropriate for my blog, so I decided just to write THAT down. I know it doesn't make sense, but not a whole lot of what I try to do anymore seems to make sense. I'm not exactly sure what's up with my life, and I don't want to make this blog a sob story or anything, but I really need a something to knock me into sense in my life. I usually do what I think is the right thing to do, except stuff where I'm just lazy, like eating really healthy or doing my homework as efficiently as I should, but for some reason, my life is less than satisfactory in my eyes. This tells me that I'm doing something wrong. Which is a really frustrating feeling, because, as previously stated, I generally do what I beleive to be right. I haven't felt like I've gotten ANYTHING in return for that lately, so I guess I need to kick the laziness out the door. The trouble is, whenever I do that, it comes back right away, usually I don't even notice it. I have a lot of goals that I'm fairly sure I'll never reach unless something miraculous happens to me before it's too late, preferrably soon.

• I'd like to lose some weight, get in shape, etc. But that is about 20 times easier said than done. I know there's no easy way, but I don't even know a hard way. I guess just eating salad all the time and running myself to death would do it? I don't know. I know I'm not disgustingly or offendingly obese, but I'm not physically attractive and I know it. If I wasn't so scared of people that I was willing to go out and join an exercise group or something, and wasn't sure that I'm too lazy to really keep up with anything like that... I'd be all over it just like that.
• I'd like to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm just up here at Akron wasting my parent's money, spending a whole year at a school for higher education in a field that I don't even see myself pursuing. But I'm really indecisive when it comes to that. I mean, honestly, how am I supposed to know now what I want to do for the next 40+ years of my life? Lately, I've been thinking of just going into a career that I know will offer a solid, medium-to-high-paying job so that I can at least support my family and loved ones (if I ever have them) to an extent where they're financially comfortable. That would be of more concern to me than having the dream job of my life (WHICH, by the way, once again, I am too lazy to even attempt to pursue).
• I'd like to get really good at piano, or something. Something that's actually useful. I spend my time sitting on the internet fighting lost or non-existant causes, or playing video games, or sleeping, when I could be reading great literature, or learning to cook, or learning another language, or volunteering at a homeless shelter, or practicing piano, or even something like learning to juggle or watching classic movies, for God's sake. Why not? Motivation and laziness problems.
• I'd like to get contacts instead of glasses.
• I'd like to get caught up in my schoolwork.
• I'd like to convince the girl of my dreams that I can be the boy of hers.
• I'd like to make some real, true friends here at Akron, and in extention of that, be more social and outgoing.
• I'd like to understand my own actions better, and really understand why I do the things I do and think the things I think and beleive in the things I beleive and have the morals I have that seem to have gotten me nowhere, when there are people out there doing everything I beleive to be wrong that are the happiest people in the world.
• I'd like to make people happy instead of making them unhappy.
• I'd like to stop making stupid lists of things to do or that I'd like to do and actually be able to make myself do them. Which I'm fairly determined by now is NOT a possibility
• I'd like to do EVERYTHING that is right, even when I know that there is no right and wrong to life, and that what happens anywhere technically doesn't make a difference in the big scheme of things... because there IS no scheme of things. So I guess in extention to this, I'd really like to beleive in religion. Because without religion... there is no meaning to life, no reason to be, no right or wrong... and yet, it's presence still seems to elude me.
  

I've been really depressed lately, I haven't told anyone yet, even though I'm sure a lot of people already know it, but college really isn't going how I anticipated. I have my good moments with it, but overall, I just really feel like I don't fit in with it. I'd join the military or something, but that's not something I want to do at all, lol. I've been told that I expect too much positive reaction from people, and I guess it's true, but I was really used to knowing everyone in highschool, and just when I started to feel on top of things there, it was time to go to college. I don't know if I'm ever going to recover from here, at least I don't feel like it. I feel like just being over with it, giving up any ambitions and just finding some simple job to do for the rest of my life. And you know what the sad part is? I'd still be happy. I'd go home every night, watch TV, play video games, whatever, and I'd be happy. I'm too complacent. And I don't know how to fix that. Maybe I have some sort of mental disease? That would sure be nice, because unless that's the case, this is totally out of my hands. I can't control it. I've tried for the past 4 years, and although I've had times of success and times of satisfaction, it always comes back. And that's no way to live a life. All I know is that lately, I've felt like if I had an off switch, I'd be all over it.

Anyway, I know this is a little edgy for being my blog, but I don't write this for people to read, really, although it gives me satisfaction to know that people get enjoyment out of something I can create, it really does, but posts like this, to me, are necessary. This feeling is too persistant in my mind to not be heard somewhere, even if it's only simply online. I guess it's something my mind thinks will help, but really only probably hurts in the long run. Oh well. I'll stop before I've become too random.

If you're reading this, and you're a miracle or something... let me know. I'd sure appriciate it.

-Jimmy